Guilt
Bit of a nightmare day at work - which in the end turned into a blessing.
Just before lunch my mobile rang, it was J, a girl I used to work with in Smalltown. “What’s your work number,” she says, sounding pretty upset, “I am at home and don’t have it here, I have something to tell you.” I start to reel off the number, and then say I will ring her back.
“Hello, what’s up?” I ask.
“I’ve got some bad news. There’s no easy way to tell you this. S killed himself on Tuesday.”
I pause. My mind is blank, I have no idea who she is talking about. “S….?”
“Yes, S Mac.”
“Oh god.”
This guy started work at the same company 2 weeks before I started. He was a bit odd - we often had discussions about Edinburgh, where he constantly repeated that it was more expensive to live there than London, and I would refute it, saying no way could X have bought a 3 bedroomed house in London as he has done in Edinburgh. He would just be back to the same argument a week later, as if I hadn’t said anything.
He didn’t really fit in at the office - not that I did really - but he seemed to take to me. He always wanted to come to lunch with me, but would then often sit and look at the tv screen, not listening to anything I said, and having nothing to say himself.
He once invited me out on a Saturday night out with him and his girlfriend, but I managed to be ‘busy’ that night, and never got around to rescheduling.
I emailed him a couple of times after I left, and he rang me a couple of times. The last time I spoke to him he told me he had been diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia. He had been off work for a long time, and then went back part time about 6 months ago. J had told me he was obviously not well, seemed to be not fully ‘there’ when he was in the office.
The last time he rang me was about 6 months ago. I could see it was him ringing. I ignored the phone, let it go through to voice mail.
I know - at least the sensible part of me knows - that it would have made no difference. There were much bigger influences on his decision than me. However, I can’t help wonder “What if I had answered that call?” “What if I had sent him the odd text now and then?” “What if I had emailed him to see how he was doing?”
So many “What if..”s
Now I will never know.