I haven’t a bloody clue what it’s about!

All

F

Went to step aerobics and then yoga tonight. I am trying to get back into the habit - I went last week - and also did Legs Bums and Tums last Tuesday and also last night.

I got into yoga a little late, because the step teacher always over runs. After the initial lying down stretches and postures, we stood up.

“Woman,” I hear from the other side of the room, and there’s X. I had emailed her earlier today, telling her I was going, but as she hadn’t been to the step class, I thought she wasn’t coming.

When the clas had finished, I went over to speak to her. She was with 3 other women, one of whom I had met once before ona girlie night out - she works as a contractor at my old work. The other two I didn’t know, and it seemed X only knew one of them.

The other woman was chatting to me, “Weren’t you here last night at one of the classes? LBT?” So we chatted about that - and the mad Ukranian woman who has taken the class for the last two weeks.

These two leave, and X turns to me, “You know who that was don’t you? It was N, Q’s ex-girlfriend……”

I am kind of glad I knew *after* she had gone, because I know I’d have been looking at her thinking “I’ve slept with your ex…..”

…where to start?

It was someone from my old work’s birthday drinks last night, and X had invited me along last week. I emailed her during the day, to see if she was still playing out. I mentioned it to Krazy K - who still works there, but had no clue at all about any socialising, bless her - and she decided to come along too, but just for a while as she had to head back to hubby and baby.

When I got to the pub, first person I saw was FKM! Haven’t seen, or indeed heard from him since New Years Day. There were lots of other people there too - but X was just getting her coat and leaving - so much for inviting me!

Having had a debate with myself earlier about whether to drive, I’d got a taxi down there so I could drink. Didn’t have a whole lot of money on me, but last week Q had made a withdrawal from the Bank of Woman to the tune of £40. Love him, he was talking to FKM, and when I went up to him, the first thing he did was put his hand in his pocket to give me my money back (with the obvious smutty remakr of course). FKM could do well to learn from him - he still owes me almost £100!

There were a couple of people I haven’t seen for a while, and it was nice to talk to them. N is a sweety - he once poured me into a taxi when I was so drunk I could hardly walk. S is also a sweety - he wanted to work for me when I worked there - the job that went to Q.

At one point was talking to Krazy K and Q, and this really dowdy woman came up. “Do you know J?” says Q. Me and Krazy K tried to talk to her - but even Krazy K, who is not the most observant of people, said when she had gone, “How awkward was that? Both of us trying to talk to her, but she really had nothing to say….” A while later, I was talking to N and this J walked past. He pulled this really weird face. “What’s that for? Do you know her?” “Oh yes, I know her. She’s FKM’s ‘bit of stuff’,” still pulling the funny face, as if to say, “How weird is he?”

Was in the pub for some time, but I really couldn’t say how long, and what I was doing. Watched FKM and N play the fruit machine, drank lots (and made sure I got a large vodka every time FKM went to the bar - told him to fuck off, stop complaining, he owed me, when he complained I wasn’t in ‘his round’). The pub called time, and the concensus was move to the Earth bar. Q and I headed off that way. I bought us a drink (bugger me, £10 for a pint of lager and a large vodka and coke - why do people like this bar?), and we went to sit at a table. About 15 minutes later FKM turns up. But nobody else. I have no idea where they all went, but we decided prices were too expensive.FKM is wittering on about pizza, Q suggests I go back to his for a kebab (!). Pizza place was shut, so we all jumped in a cab and went to town.

We walked down the main street, where last week I had seen the aftermath of that guy being attacked. Turned out not to have been a stabbing, but it was a 17 year old lad, who got into an ‘altercation’ and had serious head injuries. He died last Saturday.

I am shocked at how upset I still am at it. I crossed the road before we got to where it happened - I just couldn’t walk right past it. Q and FKM turn into a fast food chicken place, not realising that I am actually crying. It was only when we got in there that, give him his due, FKM took one look at me and rushed over, “God, real tears, are you okay?” I know, stupid,.some lad I don’t know, it happens all the time all over the place, but I guess actually seeing the paramedic kneeling over him and pounding his chest makes it a bit more personal somehow.

“I’m okay,” I say, “except I think my contact lens has moved.” Pause. “Bugger, I think my contact lens has fallen out…..”

Even the staff came from behind the counter to help search for it, but it has gone to the great Chicken Cottage drain. My new contact lens. That I have on ‘loan’ until my optician can get me one with a better fit (I am due to have a scan on that eye next week). So, that’s £100 I just cried away then.

FKM ordered his food. Q also ordered food, and when I went to ’see’ (loose term, I am blind without my lenses in) he says, “No, I’ve got yours here.”

Extremely weird. It was quite clear that I was going to Q’s house. It was also equally clear FKM wasn’t invited. Not sure what he thought of it, but to be honest I actually don’t care. None of his business anyway.

Sat up talking to Q until almost 4 o’clock in the morning.

Ended up sleeping in same bed, but no sex. It was really nice, cuddling all night, with no pressure at all. Going to be an interesting conversation between Q and FKM when they go out tomorrow though - it is quite clear that Q doesn’t know I slept with FKM last year, but I wonder if it will get mentioned……

Another drink up next Friday, Q made a point of inviting me. And, although not taking it for granted (lets face it, if he pulls it might just cramp his style a bit!), he has made the point, “No worries about staying over, it’s cheaper than a taxi!”

Friday night was Dance Night!

It sounded like the perfect girlie night out - dancing at a club in town, beginning with ‘taster lessons’ in salsa, belly dancing and hip-hop, followed by an hour of dance performances, followed by free-style dancing all night. I suggested it to all my girlie friends, and they all thought it sounded fab, but with one problem.

It was the night before Valentine’s Day.

This in itself should not have been a problem - hey, luvved up couples spend Valentine’s Night together - especially if it’s a Saturday night, so what’s the problem with Friday night?

The problem was this was no ordinary Valentine’s Day. This was the Day Of The Rugby.

So all romance was planned for the Friday, with Saturday written on due to the copious amount of beer that would be drunk.

In the end it was just me and X, with S possibly joining us. I was planning to drive, park outside Q’s house, and then not drink so would be home and tucked up in bed at a sensible hour, without wasting half my weekend sleeping off a hangover.

Then X says, “Park at mine, you can stay over, and then we can drink…..”

The dance night was supposed to start at 7.30, but we didn’t leave X’s until nearly 7, and we were going for dinner first. The taxi takes us halfway up the main street, and then points out that the road is blocked. We get out and walk up to the fire engine which is blocking the road. There are a couple of police cars also in the road, and on the other side they appear to be going through the rubbish bags. Then we realise that one of the cars is actually a paramedic’s car, and the bag they are looking through is a rucksack, and some guy is kneeling down, pounding on someone’s chest - straight out of Casualty! Really not pleasant to see. X, in her ditsy manner, “Do you think it’s C?” (her boyfriend) “Why on earth would it be him? He’s out in the Bay, with a group of people, that guy over there is on his own….” She has left her phone at home, so I lend her mine to ring him. Of course he is fine.

We go for food, and when we leave we meet up briefly with S and her husband - they aren’t coming dancing (S wants to, but A is being manly and putting his foot down), and then X and I head off to the club. It is about 8.15, and we are expecting to have missed the lessons, but when we get there, they are running late, and we had just missed the first 10 minutes of the salsa class. Boy we were hot! We may have missed the start, but I reckon we were the best there by the end of it! Then it was belly dancing, and that was good too - my old belly dance teacher, what a diva she is.

Then in come this group of boys who don’t look old enough to be out on their own. The kind you would cross the street to avoid. Trousers hanging round their knees, matching checked shirts, caps on….. These are the hip-hop teachers!

Now, hip-hop is really not my thing, but these guys were so enthusiastic about their dancing (although I have to say, their ‘big-up’ introduction by the organiser did nothing for them - really, coming 2nd in a talent show at Pontins does not impress me) it was fantastic.

However, at this point I get a text off C. “That guy was a Big Issue seller, stabbed to death.”

Fuck. I don’t know why this upset me so much, but it really did. It happened before we got there, there was absolutely nothing we could have done, but just knowing he had been murdered. I don’t know…..

X was also getting a bit tired by now - we originally planned to stay and see the performances, expected to finish at 10, and then head off and join C and co. It was 11, and only partway through the performances. But we left, and caught a taxi down to the Bay (very odd thing to do - the usual thing is drink in the Bay, head into town, not the other way around).

We get to the pub and there is C, Q, M and N. M, usually a very huggy sort of person anyway, would not let me go. Kept hugging me, and kissing me. I now suspect Krazy K might be right. When I did look like I might be escaping, his best friend N kept steering me back - all very suspicious. M even made a half-hearted attempt to invite me back to his, and when I told him I was staying at X’s, he later suggested I go round to his on Saturday to watch the Rugby. This is weird - M is a really, really lovely bloke. But I just don’t fancy him in the slightest.

When we got kicked out of the first pub, M and N wanted to go to another pub round the corner because, according to M, “N is on a promise.” Bless them and their little deluded minds…. While standing in the street with X and Q, Q points out he is not going to get into this pub, because he was wearing trainers. He then suggested, “Let’s go to a scuzzy metal club….” God that boy knows the way to get round me! X, however, said she didn’t want to go back into town, we should go to The P. Not entirely convinced it would be open, we head off there, and of course it was shut. So we head back to see if we cna find M and N again, and Q announces he’s “Going for a wander, and then going to town.” And just disappeared!

X and I get to the pub, no sign of either of the others, so go into the pub opposite. And there they were. With a bunch of other people, most of whom I have no idea who they are, but all greeting me like a long lost friend, and saying how they still miss me at work. It’s nice to feel wanted!

Waiting to get a drink at the bar was a queue 5 people deep. I wanted to leave, but X went off to queue. I am talking to N and M, and the others (one of which was the girl N fancied - bless him, she was so not interested, and he was far too drunk to notice). Then, despite having half a pint already, M hands this to me and heads to the bar. Cut to half an hour later, X arrives with our drinks. 2 minutes later, M turns up, saying “I am leaving now because if I don’t I am going to have a fight.” Huh? M is one of the most gentle people I know.

He walks out, and N follows him. Me and X just look at each other, “What is going on tonight?”

When we get back to hers, I text both Q and M to see if they are alright. Several texts go back and forth between me and Q - hmmm, I really do think it’s only a matter of time before we sleep together - nothing from M.

Well, nothing from M until he rings me at 9.30, all bright and chirpy to explain what had happened. I just grunted at him, having just been woken up.

I can’t believe I have come down with a cold again, so soon after the last one. I guess it was probably because I was so gung ho last time - went to work all the way through it, when I would have been better off taking a couple of days at the start.

So this time that’s what I’ve done. I started sneezing Sunday, so stayed in all day, and did a big pile of cooking - huge vat of curry sauce base, and two big saucepans of beans - kidney and black. No matter how convenient, soaking and cooking them yourself tastes tons better than canned!

Yesterday I should have gone to office base, which would mean getting up at 5.30 to drive there. Given that I didn’t fall asleep until 5, that was just a no-no. I had to spend some time doing work though, 45 minutes or so on a conference call about where I work - the contract is up for renewal soon, and two of the bosses are coming down for a meeting next week.

It was quite a surprise - I knew that I worked with a fuckwit, but I didn’t realise how little my boss thought of her as well. I don’t know officially, but I think she may have been promoted at work. In post. So to a higher grade in the team she is currently working in. The one she doesn’t have a clue what to do.

I rang her this morning to tell her I wouldn’t be in, and she was almost in tears. She has been ‘having problems’ doing something which is so routine. She was asked to do three migrations from one system to another - this would normally take about an hour per one for me to do.

She spent most of yesterday doing one, then got stuck so left it. Just left it. I asked her if she had done an internet search for the message she was getting. What a stupid question that was, how naive of me to think she would do that.

She has been cutting and pasting bits from the instructions because, “Well, you know, they are very ambiguous….” No they’re not. Not if you’re not an idiot anyway.

It is so frustrating, she does something wrong, then rather than fix it, she either stops completely (which is actually the better of the two), or carries on and ignores the errors. When she does this, she then fucks it up even more. Yet when I say that I can’t put it right, given that I have no idea what she has done wrong, and that it’s better to just undo the lot and start again, she refuses point blank. Where do I go with that?

Q seemed very surprised on Saturday night/Sunday morning when I pointed out that as he doesn’t work for me anymore, he can do whatever the hell he likes in front of me.

Genuinely surprised that it would matter.

Huh?

Surely it’s plain common sense? Know matter what I may think I know, unless he actually comes out and tells me, or I see it, then I could always deny I knew anything. However, as his manager, knowing about any drug use for a fact would put me in a very awkward position.

It happened to me once before. Many years ago. Had this young lad straight from uni reporting to me. Every Monday was a complete and utter washout. He was totally incapable of working - he could barely focus his eyes on his computer, let alone do any work.

He used to brag to my friend PS about his partying over the weekend. PS was pissed off - he was the same, said no matter what he did, he didn’t want to know for a fact. And of course, PS tells me.

After a couple of months of this, me trying to get this lad to do something useful. My boss saying she was surprised at my patience, said she could see things were getting through, apologising for not realising just how much hard work this new lad was going to be. Then she paused. “You don’t think it’s drugs do you?”

I lied.

But I told PS to tell the boy that I would only do it once. And if she were to ask me again I would tell her that, yes, it was possible.

Even this stupid boy knew better than to say it to me.

I am so puzzled at Q’s attitude - no matter how nice your boss, how well you get on, there are some things you just don’t do in front of them!

Weekend last week - it was great, a lot of fun, extremely relaxing. But….. I don’t know. I don’t know what it is. Still an awful lot of flirting, but he just seems very reluctant to move things further. Is that because he doesn’t want to? Is it because he is scared? I can certainly understand that. And I fully understand the situation of doing nothing - as in totally nothing, not moving forward, but not moving backward either, letting someone else actually make the decision for you.

But I can’t do that. Not at the moment. I too am scared.

One point sums it up precisely. At one point I actually said to him, in a joking way, “Hey, come on, some feedback wouldn’t go amiss, let me know if what I am doing is right.” His response was, “Well, I haven’t told you to stop have I?” No, D, you didn’t. But I need to know that you want it, not that you will just tolerate it.

Last night was a friend’s birthday do at a pub in town. Lots of people I used to work with - I do love meeting up with them. I’ve worked at a lot of places, but that place was the friendliest. Krazy K came too - her first night out since she has been back at work. I drove into town, and parked outside Q’s house (I do this a lot now - he is close to town, and even though it’s residential, touch wood I’ve not had a ticket yet, and he has a visitors parking permit on order). He was already at the pub (had been since 4.30).

Got very drunk in the pub - although at £5 a drink it almost bankrupted me! M, whose birthday it was is so cute when he is drunk. He is one of the loudest people I know - he has been banned from a lot of pubs near his work, simply for being too loud. He’s not rowdy, just very, very loud. He is also very cuddly, especially when drunk, just wants to keep hugging people.

When we got kicked out of the pub (not sure of time, would have been 1 or 2, depending on closing time of the pub), we went into a bar/club opposite.

God, the music was shite!

Didn’t stop me dancing though.

Krazy K said at one point, after a particularly huggy moment with M, “God, he so wants to snog you….” Huh? “Do you think so? I thought he was just being his usual self?” “Maybe, but I think he wants to snog you.” Hmm, this is new to me.

At some point, I was talking to Q - he was doing his usual, “yeah, baby, I know how to make you feel good, blah blah blah” patter he always does. So strange - wouldn’t take much encouragement, and I know it would be plain and simple uncomplicated sex, bit of fun, everything back to usual. Except I know it wouldn’t go back to usual, because having done it, the flirting would stop. I think that’s the main reason I’ve not properly encouraged him.

Anyway, back to last night - I was talking to him, and Krazy K comes up, “I think I want to go now, and E says he will share our taxi as he lives round the corner from me, and he wants to go now, do you want to leave?” Q jumps in, “No, it’s ok, stay at mine, your car is there any way, save the taxi fare, and no need to get the bus in in the morning… I’ve got the spare room,” he added. I looked at him. Fuck it.

“It’s okay,” I say to Krazy K, “I’ll stay out, and will go back with Q.”

“Are you sure you know what you are doing?” I laughed. “No. But what the hell.”

Just before we left the club, Q went for a wee. I am standing there, when suddenly a fight breaks out. I didn’t see what started it, I backed up against the wall, bouncers waded in, it was over pretty quickly. Q comes back after it’s all over.

So we thought. As I went to head over the dance floor to the door he pulls me back. “No, wait a couple of minutes….” I didn’t see anything, but waited. Then we went to the door, and looked out, all seemed to be okay, so we went out.

To find some poor bloke unconscious on the floor. One bloke with his shirt half hanging off. And another bloke with his face covered in blood.

There were two women and a bloke kneeling over the unconscious guy (and, being Torchwood town, and 2 degrees below zero, none of them wearing a jacket, both girls wearing corsets and shorts!), calling for something to put under his head. Q hands over his jacket, as he pulls his phone out and rings 999. It all got very confusing, as there were 3 people on the phone to the emergency services at the same time, all relaying the same message. One of the women calling out in a panicky voice, “His pulse is really weak, his pulse is really weak,” this gets relayed, at which point the bloke stirs, and tries to sit up.

Nothing like that to sober you up pretty quickly.

The police took about 10 minutes to get there. We hung around a bit, really just waiting for Q to get his jacket back. We hadn’t witnessed the fight, so there was no point us staying too long. The police were talking to the other two hurt guys, trying to find out what had happened. Also, apparently it was right in view of the CCTV from the bar, so hopefully they will get the fuckers. From what I could gather, the unconscious guy had been bottled on the back of his head, and then kicked repeatedly while he was out. By three guys. Not sure if the other two were his mates, or just people who waded in to help.

Anyway, by the time we got back to Q’s, was not quite as drunk, or as happy as I had been.

Went to bed around 5.30 - me to the spare room, him to his room!

Woke up this morning (just, I think it was 11.40), and Q went and got bacon and sausages, and we had a huge fry-up!